David 0:00

With mental health being in the forefront of the news, what can we parents do to help? We'll find out on this episode of Shift Shapers.

Announcer 0:10

Change either paralyzes or energizes. The choice is yours. You're listening to the Shift Shapers podcast. You're about to learn firsthand from businesses and entrepreneurs who have successfully shaped the shifts in their industries. Get ready to become the change you want to see. This episode is brought to you by Shift Shaper Strategies. In sales, if you confuse, you lose. Clarify your message so you win more clients, crush your sales goals, and build your practice. Learn more at ShiftShaperStrategies.com. And now, here's your host, Story Brand Certified Guide and Chief Transformation Strategist at Shift Shaper Strategies, David Saltzman.

David 1:01

And we've invited Carrie Cooper to help us answer that question. Carrie is a licensed clinical social worker who wrote a great book called Mental Health Uncensored. And it's available at all the places that you buy books. And it's a great book for parents. I know we're stepping a little bit outside of the insurance realm, but not really, because as all of us who are practicing know, mental health claims are driving claims costs through the roof. And there's also a crisis for those of us who are trying to help clients find resources for their employees. It's really, really come to crisis level at this point. And so that's why we invited Carrie and welcome. Thanks for being here.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Thank you so much for having me.

David 1:44

It's our pleasure. Talk a little bit about your journey. How do you get to be doing what you're doing and writing a book and all that cool stuff?

SPEAKER_01 1:50

I was really lucky that even back in high school, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I think it's because I love talking to my friends about all of their issues that were going on. But I also saw the flip side, I saw that there were no adults that were really helping them. No one was really guiding them. It was more, they were almost being shamed for poor decisions or getting in trouble. But nobody was really taking that step and saying, okay, let me explain this to you. Let me give you coping skills. Let me put you on a good path. So that's why I went into this business. And I've been a therapist now for 20 years. I've only ever worked with, you know, really teenagers. They're a special population and you either love them or hate them. And I love them.

David 2:36

Or both sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Or both, depending on the day. So that's how I got started. And it was probably eight years ago when I said, I need to go out on my own. I need to have my own private practice. Because I take a different approach to therapy. I don't just look at the symptoms and say, okay, traditional therapy, how did we get here? What are the tools we need? I look at foundations. Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you drinking water? Are you exercising? Because I think people fail to realize that this is so connected to our mental health. If our kids, if we as our own being are not taking care of our physical body, we can't have optimal mental health.

David 3:19

And that's where you start the book. You start by talking, you have a whole section that talks about what you call the basics, which is water, sleep, food, exercise, and meditation. Talk about, you know, whichever ones of those you think might be the most important for people where they're not really doing it and it would make a huge impact.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

I think that each one individually makes a huge impact. And yes, in the book, I really break it down to parents to show the research behind it as well. Like this is real. But I think one of the most important ones, especially during the COVID pandemic, was sleep. Many of these kids almost became nocturnal. And their sleep cycle was so off. I mean, they're trying to zoom me, and it's three o'clock in the afternoon, and they're under their sheets and haven't seen daylight in probably a week. So sleep, I think, is crucial. That's how your body really restores itself. And if we're not on top of that and setting up good sleep habits for these kids from an early age, I think we're missing a big piece of this. And even as parents, I was out to dinner recently with a bunch of other adults, and the moms were talking about their sleep. They don't go to bed till two in the morning. And then they're up at six. You can't live off four hours of sleep. You're not functioning. So I think as a society, I mean, you even see all the sleep commercials for the sleep aids on TV. This is a real issue. I think we're go, go, go. And people are forgetting, no, you need to stop. You need to sleep. You need to restore your body.

David 4:51

How much of that is device related? I mean, we we seem to be when the Eagles did that song, they said, you know, we are all just prisoners here of our own device. I don't think they were thinking about iPhones and iPads, but that's really where we're at right now. How much of that contributes, especially with teenagers?

SPEAKER_01 5:05

It's a huge piece. And actually, one of the tips in my book is, and if this is a hard one for parents to do, you have to get the devices out of the bedroom. There is nothing good happening on your child's device at three in the morning. They have to all be, we have like a center docking station in my home. Everyone's phone goes there because it shouldn't be in my bedroom either. It's a massive issue. Kids are texting, snapping, whatever they're doing all night long. They're getting notifications constantly. If they wake up for a split second, they're on their phone again. It's massively disrupting sleep. And for adults too.

David 5:43

You know, I heard an interesting comment the other day. I was watching a program and saw somebody talking about how, especially among teenagers, we've become a performative society. And they spend an awful lot of time on Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram and all that stuff. But they're not being themselves, they're being who other people think they want them to be. How much does that contribute to the problems with their mental health?

SPEAKER_01 6:08

It contributes to their anxiety levels on a very large level. When you're trying to basically create somebody who you're not, you're now very disconnected with yourself. You're not truly happy. And I've had kids who, first of all, look at other people's posts and say, oh, what a perfect life they're living. But I know the flip side of the same kids who are now, you know, posing and editing and making a post that takes them an hour to post because they're trying to, you know, post this perfect version of themselves. This isn't real. So kids are trying to live up to what they think everyone else has. And nobody else has this. Nobody has it together. So I think that's really hard for them.

David 6:51

Right. And you know, most of us don't realize that until we're adults, is that, you know, everybody's what was it? Irma Bombeck wrote a book years ago called The Grass is always greener over the other guy's septic tank. None of us realize that until we get a little bit of perspective. So how do you help kids get there to understand that that's not healthy?

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Right. A lot of it is, you know, we process why they think that they need to be on everybody else's level, and if that level is even real, and what are you really seeing and what's really happening behind the scenes? And even look at your own social media. Were you really happy when you made some of these posts? But everybody else is thinking you are. So I bring it back to how they're also faking it. But I also explain to them that, you know, these websites, these apps are set up to keep you addicted. And when you get a like, it's almost like a hit of cocaine. Like your brain lights up. So this is so addicting to these children. I mean, it's addicting to adults as well, but especially to children, and it's giving them such a false sense of what is happening in this world and with their peers.

David 7:55

Yeah, you know, it is happening to adults as well. And in my consulting practice, I talk to folks who, you know, post things on social media and they get hundreds of likes and they're all excited, and that's great, but they're wasting their time because none of those likes ever convert into sales, and most of the folks who are listening in this audience are salespeople. And so it's addictive even to adults. The other problem with social media that I'd like to explore with you, especially for kids, is that the arguments, for lack of a better word, end up being this zero-sum game. It's not enough for me to win. You have to lose. But that's not how you move through life as a happy human being. How do you address that kind of a problem, especially with a an obstinate teenager, which may be redundant, but yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:41

So I think one of the biggest issues, and it's really for everybody, not just kids, but they see it through the parents as well, and they hear it from what the parents say, is that you have to run your own race. It doesn't matter what anybody else is doing next to you. If you're in your path and you're running your race, that's all that matters. You know, I always use the example of Michael Phelps when he swims. He's talked about how he just looks at his lane. He's not looking at what anybody next to him is doing, he's just going. And I think as adults, we always send, not always, but many times send a poor message to our children when they hear us comparing ourselves to other people, when they hear us saying, oh, look at, you know, so and so and what they have, or what they did in their business. When you start shutting that down and putting on some blinders and just worrying about you and your business or your children, that's the behavior you need to model for your children to really stay on their own path. And it's hard to do because as teenagers, you want to fit into a social circle. This is very normal. So, of course, you're going to compare. It's really the hardest part of life for that, but to give them perspective that you're not in a competition with anybody.

Announcer 9:55

And now, a word from our sponsor. It's a fact. Salespeople and organizations lose opportunities because they don't clearly communicate their value. In today's market, your story is your message. It should be crystal clear, perfectly arranged, and precisely targeted to attract the clients you want. As a certified story brand guide, we use the exclusive SB7 process to create that story and the websites and collateral that deliver it. If your message isn't cutting through the noise, we can help. Visit us at ShiftShaperStrategies.com to learn how we can help you find, clarify, and deliver a message that wins clients, crushes sales goals, and builds your practice. In sales, if you confuse, you lose. So learn more and schedule that call today at ShiftShaperStrategies.com. That's ShiftShaperStrategies.com. And now back to our discussion.

David 10:56

It's difficult. I mean, one of the other mental health issues that you talk about that I think is really a huge problem and it's pervasive, and it's not only teens, it's adults, is this inability or concern about saying no. And you spend a lot of time in the book talking about that. Let's explore that a little bit. What is that fear? Why is it debilitating? And what can you do about it?

SPEAKER_01 11:18

For my kids, many times I hear I can't say no because I'm going to upset the other person. I'm going to disappoint the other person. And they're not putting them their self first. They're not putting their needs first. And I think that's something that they've definitely learned from home. Parenting has taken an interesting twist lately. And it's like the kids are just ruling the households, and everything needs to be done for them and around them. And this is not normal. So parents are not saying no. Parents are saying yes to every activity. Parents are saying yes to every volunteer experience. And then parents are overwhelmed and stressed out. And now their children are doing the same thing. They're saying yes to everything, even though they don't want to and they don't have time to. This is stressing them out. You can only take on so much. And they really feel like they're responsible for other people's feelings, which is another chapter of my book. You're not responsible for somebody else's feelings. Yes, be a kind individual, but you can't, at the end of the day, make somebody happy or sad. They're going to choose their reaction.

David 12:22

So as a parent, you know, I heard of one parent who handed his teenage son a blank sheet of paper and said, This is a complete list of what the world owes you. Go mow the lawn. Absolutely. Someplace between that and saying yes to everything, as a parent, how do you modify that behavior? Because you're also subject to peer pressure, and all the other kids' parents are letting them yes, everything. How do you change your behavior as a parent?

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Parents really need to start thinking: is this what I want? Is this what's best for my family? Or am I just going along with what everyone else does? You know, I talk about my four children in this book. And one of the experiences we had with one of my children, she really wanted to competitively dance. And all of her friends were doing it. And it's so fun. But she's young. She was only nine at the time when she did make it. She did try out. But the issue was that her practices were Friday night and we go away most weekends as a family. And I was not going to sacrifice family time every single weekend for a nine-year-old dance competition. She was still doing dance for fun, but she didn't need to compete on that level. So we had to pull back and say no, even though everybody else was saying yes.

David 13:35

You talk about in the book that no is a complete sentence. How do you make it a complete sentence? Because you get the, but mom, but dad, this one's doing it, that one's doing it, all the other kids are doing it. How do you make no a complete sentence? And how do you teach your, more importantly, how do you teach your teenagers to make no a complete sentence?

SPEAKER_01 13:55

And that's about, again, like putting yourself first and what your needs are. I don't need to justify to anybody why I'm saying no to something. If I say no, it's just no. And that's what I've been teaching my children as well. When, you know, people approach me for, you know, to volunteer on this or that. I pick what I want to do and I will say no to everything else. And I don't need to justify it.

David 14:20

But you also spent some time in the book talking about how folks deal with their children's disappointment when you do say no. Talk a little bit about that because I think I think that's an important component of the entire picture of trying to get them back on a more firm mental health grounding.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

Yes. As parents, you know, we want the best for our children. And I think we've gone overboard. We try to never have them be upset. We try to fix every problem for them. And what's happened is that we now have really a generation of kids who cannot problem solve. Because they can't problem solve and they know it on some level, now their confidence level is shot as well. So now they feel like they can't handle life. And that's when you see all this anxiety starting. So it's really this chain effect of parents doing too much, not letting the children feel disappointed and be able to still thrive or to get disappointed and to be able to move on. These are important skills.

David 15:19

Can you give us a real world example of that? You know, how that would actually play out in a household, especially since you're an expert because if for no other reason you have four children.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

I think the example that always sticks out in my head, and you know, when I go to school pickup, if all of a sudden a play date has to cancel last minute, the parents like, oh, like asking every parent around, I need another play date, I need another play date. They can't be disappointed and not have one. But they can. Things happen. Yes, I know you're disappointed that you can't have this play date. We'll reschedule it for, you know, next week or the week after. And just allowing them to be sad for a moment. It's okay. We it's okay to feel sad.

David 16:00

We've got, you know, about five minutes or so left. And I I want to talk about a very what I think is a very interesting and maybe provocative statement that you make in the book. And that is that some folks use mental illness as a crutch. And I I thought I stopped reading at that point and thought, wow, that's a very interesting perspective. And the more I thought about it, the more I thought, yeah, you know, there's there's definitely some merit there. How does that play out in real life?

SPEAKER_01 16:26

I see a lot of kids who say, you know, I have anxiety and therefore I can't do this. I can't try to do this. I have anxiety, and they throw their hands up. And it becomes this excuse that really nobody can argue with because that's what's happened now in society. So even in school, when the teacher's like, okay, you you need to get this paper in tomorrow, I cannot have anxiety. And the teachers at this point are saying, Okay, well, then get it to me when you can. This is not real life. You can't function like this.

David 16:58

Yeah, I never heard that from any of my teachers.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

Right. Yes, you have anxiety, and yes, that's real, but we need to be able to learn the skills to work through it and to be able to enjoy our life and not just throw our hands up and say, I can't.

David 17:15

The third rail here is that teenage suicides are through the roof. And I'm not talking about the kids who are buying drugs off of online and you know, they end up with a fentanyl dose and boom, they're gone, which is horrid. But children who are choosing to end their lives, how big is that problem? Where is it going, in your opinion, and what can we do about it?

SPEAKER_01 17:39

It is a massive problem. It's not getting better. COVID has definitely made it much worse. And I think for parents, if your child is struggling, you have to get them help. And I know that's so hard right now because every therapist is almost booked. So even if that means, in the meantime, some type of you know, online support group, even for the parent, parents spending time and connecting with these kids, we're living as roommates in these houses. These kids feel disconnected. Please sit down and have dinner with your children. Please talk to them. They just, they want to speak, they need that outlet. So if you know your kid is struggling, and even if your kid's not struggling, please connect with them and spend time with them. It's really the most important thing. I talk in my book a lot about family dinner. We need to get back to this. We need to get back to everybody coming together and checking in on each other. Because as a society, I think we've lost that a bit.

David 18:38

Yeah, you know, it's interesting. Uh both of my girls were who are now well into their adulthood, but both of them were theater kids. And so there were always, you know, rehearsals and this is and trips and whatnot. But one of the things that my wife and I insisted on was that every night we had, no matter how convoluted it was, we had to have family dinner. And as we started talking to other parents, where as the kids got older, you saw the ones who were better adjusted and the ones who were not as well adjusted. The ones who were better adjusted, one of the constants was that they had family dinner. They didn't all do it as weirdly as as we did, because our rule was no subject was off the table. So I I have I have two girls. I know things that no man should ever possibly know. But that seemed to be a constant among kids who were better grounded. Why is that?

SPEAKER_01 19:28

There's a lot of research behind family dinner. Yes, there is. You're actually sitting down, you're face to face, you're talking. Parents are modeling how to speak. I mean, there's so much interaction, there's so much social modeling. And that's when kids start talking about things, and parents are able to process it with them, to ask questions, to lead them down a path. And they're taking in this information. And it also, research shows that it improves grades, it decreases drug use. It's really necessary. And if your schedule is that you can't do family dinner, do family breakfast, do family lunch on the weekend, it doesn't matter what meal it is. It's about coming together and talking.

David 20:12

You mentioned earlier that, and we've just got a minute or so left, but I think it's interesting to explore. You mentioned earlier that we're all living as roommates, not so much as parents and children. Is part of the dynamic of the family dinner or lunch or breakfast or brunch or whatever you do, does that help reset the relationships of parents and children and where parents are put more into a guidance role and it gives them an opportunity to offer that and reset those positions?

SPEAKER_01 20:36

Absolutely, it does. That's why, you know, it's so meaningful to be able to sit down and have those moments, unless when are you talking? If everyone's coming into the house and going to their own rooms with their own devices and watching their own shows, you know, it used to be even when we watched TV as a family, we were all together in the family room. That wasn't too, too long ago. Now everybody has their own device and they're watching their own shows. Like you can't even talk about what you're watching as a family because you're not watching anything together. So it's just it allows you to come together and have a dialogue and really check in with each other.

David 21:11

Well, and I think that's a great place to end our conversation for today, Carrie Cooper. The book is terrific. It's called Mental Health Uncensored. If you're a parent, or even if you're not, of a teenager, or you have younger kids, pick up the book. The advice in here is really good, and it's it's a very easy read on a very difficult subject. So congrats on that, Carrie. Thanks so much for sharing your expertise with our audience.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Thank you so much for having me.

Announcer 21:34

The Shift Shapers Podcast is a production of Shift Shaper strategies and may not be reproduced or quoted in whole or in part without our express written permission. Copyright 2020, all rights reserved.